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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

Ok. So very quick update as I still have a paper to write that’s due tonight. No, no, I swear I’m not a procrastinator! Well, maybe I am a little!

Started Crossfit boot camp tonight; and although I’m looking forward to going back tomorrow, I’m wondering if my body will feel the same come morning. Tonight was all about dead lifts and I swear everything involves squats. We used the weighted bar, kettle balls, and just for fun threw in some crazy medicine ball move. Sometime this week I will write up something on what Crossfit is for any of you who haven’t heard about it. For now, it’s time to write a kick butt paper. Have a good night all 🙂

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Valentine’s Day — History.com Articles, Video, Pictures and Facts.

As we embark upon today’s Valentine’s Day, I wanted to do a little historical research. My Valentines are ages 8 and 13, my sons. I wanted to give them not only cards and candy, but a little history on the holiday as well. I can nearly hear the grumbled “gee, thanks mom and oh, how interesting (in full sarcastic praise)” as I type. Yes, boys, you are welcome.

Buster Brown Valentine postcard by Richard Fel...

Image via Wikipedia

Who is St. Valentine anyway? There are at least three martyred saints recognized by the Catholic Church, the names ranging from Valentine to Valentinus. The actual origin of St. Valentine seems to remain mystery. However, nearly all accounts of this historical mystery figure peg him as a hero and a romantic. Valentine’s death has been narrowed down to have occurred near A.D. 270.

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I think I may give the creepers a break, for a second at least, and give the losers some attention. I did call this losers and creepers week, but I have really neglected the former. I am sorry losers, I really meant no offense or malice. I will give you some much-needed attention now.

So, in my misadventures of multiple girls nights this week, I came across Mr. I Think I’m Something Special. For some reason, the more you are trying to not meet someone, the more Mr. Wrong you seem to attract. If anyone knows the reason for this, please feel free to share. I am starting to wonder if I have a neon sign above my head that says “I am single and not afraid to be alone, so please pester me!” Otherwise, I have been checking the mirror to see if I finally woke up with STUPID tattooed on my forehead, but that hasn’t happened yet either.

Welcome to Loserville

Here are some of the signs I noticed regarding losers this week (yes, Mr. I Think I’m Something Special, this includes you):

  • No car: Do you really expect me to drive your butt around? Seriously? How do you get to work? OMG…do you work?!?
  • Questionable job: Please see above. No further comment necessary.
  • I am sorry if I am acting odd, I smoked pot then took some (insert pill name here) and now I am drinking: Umm…yeah, I think the loser said it all himself. If you still have any questions, see bullet points one and two.
  • Appearance: Can you not afford a belt? Do you really think I like looking at your underwear or that walking oddly so your pants don’t fall down the rest of the way is sexy? Did you roll out of bed in those clothes and come to the bar? I mean seriously, you couldn’t take the extra 5 minutes to care about your appearance?
  • Language Barrier: No, I don’t mean foreign. I think we speak the same language, but maybe loser didn’t retain the spelling lessons from school, probably due to the drug habit mentioned above. Did you know there were extra consonants in that word? What does bae mean anyway? Is babe not short enough a word as is? Did you really have to remove the extra “b”? Speaking of which, who said you could call me babe anyway? Nevermind, I prefer you don’t know my name anyway. How about you just don’t call me anything actually.
Mr. Wrong

Image via Wikipedia

I do not claim to be perfect nor do I want to be. I can say, however, I have standards and the above violate all of them. If anyone has any additional loser traits to share, please do so.

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Hello boys and girls. Today’s topic is staying away from creepers in the bar. We all know the type and can typically spot them right away, so why is it we always get stuck talking to them for WAY longer than necessary?

Let us set the scene. Creeper approaches. Introduces himself and asks if he can buy you a drink. You are not interested; but a free drink is a free drink, right? Does the acceptance of a free drink mean you have to entertain him further? Do you have to be polite and engage in the creepy conversation that will no doubt follow? What’s a girl to do?

  • Scenario A: Accept the drink. Reluctantly stay and listen to the creepy lines and comments never taking your eyes off your drink in fear he will slip something in it. Creeper first drops something like “Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.” You pretend you didn’t hear creeper and he persists to talk. Don’t worry, he will attempt to get the digits again, then again. Creepers just never seem to give up. Finally, he will attempt to go home with you. Accepting a free drink must mean you are easy and are entitled to give him more than your time. Riiight. Creeper doesn’t realize he has gotten lucky to get this far. You are now wondering who this routine has ever worked on and how to quickly escape.
  • Scenario B: You accept the drink. Say thank you and walk away.

Now, I realize Scenario B sounds like the bitch way to go; but seriously, is it really? You could refuse the free drink, but is that any more polite??? You have done the creeper a service by allowing him to buy you the free drink. You have saved him  the embarrassment of the inevitable turn down and allowed him that extra time to move on to the next victim. I think Scenario B is definitely the win-win situation for all involved.

Español: Un trago conocido como "Sex On T...

Image via Wikipedia

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After a trip out to ladies night last night, I have decided I am going to try to keep with the theme this week. This week is dedicated to the creeps and losers out there. Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not hating on men in general and I am not overly sensitive; I just find this particular subject comical and interesting.

I realized last night that I have been going through life on my girls nights out with ear plugs in and blinders on. Upon completing my last few blogs on creepers and losers, I was ears and eyes wide open last night. I think that was way better than any night out at a comedy club! I am not sure I have ever laughed so hard in a bar in all my adult life!

So, let’s look at creepy a little further shall we. Creepy, by Google’s dictionary definition, means “causing fear or unease”. Thesaurus.com defines creepy as nasty and scary with the synonyms of awful, disgusting, disturbing, gruesome, unpleasant, weird, and sinister. I have to say, this is how I felt about every creeper I have talked about this week. I ask you, gentlemen, is this how you want women to perceive you in a social setting?

One of the first and foremost ways to not be the creeper in the group is to be yourself, unless you are really just a creepy guy (then I just don’t know what to tell you because you will be found out sooner or later anyway). Do not try to mask who you are or your intentions. We women often see through that almost immediately and it is just not cute or attractive.

And please, above all else, do not try to use some cheesy, creepy pick up line or try to flash keys to your overly expensive car that you may or may not own (especially when you look like you wore more of your food than you had eaten that day). By the way, I am not impressed by your car, in case you were wondering. I have my own vehicle and as it may not be overly expensive, it does what is necessary of a vehicle. Thanks anyway.

Anyone have any thoughts or feelings? Feel free to share any creeper stories you may have, men and women (oh yes, there are women creepers out there and unfortunately I have witnessed that as well this week).

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WOW! As I conducted my research on creepy pick-up lines, I must say I am shocked at what I found. Even scarier, if they are being posted in a list, they must have worked at least once and been put back into action for future endeavors. I must say, there were some I was not even bold enough to bring to the attention of the readers. I think the fact that they will haunt my brain for an eternity is enough.

So we obviously know what a pick-up line is used for and the intention behind it. That, in itself, leads one to believe the person approaching them is a creeper. I was shocked and appalled by the guy who made mention every time I was in earshot about how great he felt my boobs were. By the way, I am not easily offended; but I felt compelled to let him know he would never find out.

How about this one: “I put the STD in STUD, all I need is U”. Umm, that paints an image I want to have about someone. Now I am thinking, you are so invading my personal space and is whatever you are carrying spread airborne? Gross!

And how about this one: “Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?” Time to run screaming before you are kidnapped and found dead in a field or body of water, right? Can anything say psycho better?

Here are some of my other creepy, stalker lines courtesy of http://www.sekoj.com/pickuplines/creepypickuplines.html:

  • Do I know you from somewhere? I didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.Come one creeper! When has this actually worked? This is offensive in two ways: The obvious of you are just trying to hook up and the not so obvious of if you think you saw me naked and forgot where, there are deeper issues or maybe you are chillin with chloroform boy as I don’t remember the incident.
  • That outfit would look great crumpled in a heap on unsolved mysteriesWhat says sociopath better than this line!
  • You’re so good lookin’ I’d drink your bath water.Umm…eww stalker…enough said!

For the reader’s sanity, I have decided to leave out many of the various disturbing pick-up lines I have found. Of course, everyone knows where the horrible pick-up lines are leading. Most of us were brought up to be polite, so we do not immediately go for the punch or throw our drinks on the approaching creeper; however, keep missing the get the hell away from me hint and we may change our minds (and not to creepers benefit).

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As you can probably tell from my blog name, I do not lead the most overly exciting life and my social life is a bit lacking. I would blame this on many things, such as kids, school, work, or other various possibilities; but it would all be just excuses and lies. I am truly a homebody at heart. However, yesterday, I decided to venture out into the vast world of dive bars and karaoke (and yes, I sang…enough said).

The day started as normal as any other day, I had zero plans, other than to clean my room. Of course, this means ANY possible suggestion thrown my way I will often take without thought as my room requires much work I try to avoid at all costs. When my mother called with a request in my attendance at an estate sale, I said “sure!” without thought. See, avoidance at all costs. I must add here that I love my mother and she is a wonderful woman with all of my best intentions in mind. I ended up with newly used furniture and a new workout/lifting plan in my day I had not previously intended on. However, at the end of the day, I am happier with my home, if not with my bedroom.

This brings my to the next step in my day. I had agreed to read my writer friend’s first fifty pages of her book. I absolutely love the book and characters. As a test reader, it is my duty to openly comment throughout the book so she can have real feedback, which I did do. However, I completed this action on my beloved Kindle and was unable to get the feedback from my ereader to my friends. We attempted various methods to only figure out I should add my notes to a version I can email her with and ditch the Kindle for feedback. At least I have learned what not to do (silver lining right??)

By this time, I realize it is after 5 pm and my kids must eat dinner and my mother has now mentioned to me a night out to the movies with my aunts. We have a close family and we do many things together; it’s not that I am such a social leper that I am damned to an eternity of only family activities. My family is actually pretty cool, believe it or not. I was brought into movie night under false pretenses, expecting to see one movie, when in fact we ended up seeing Chronicle. By the way, I am still trying to figure out why I wasted that hour and a half of my life I will never get back. Wow. By far, one of the worst movies EVER!!! I will not even justify what I will loosely call a film with a crappy review; so not worth the time or keystrokes.

After the many misfortunes of my day thus far, I was reluctant to take on any more invites. However, when a girlfriend texts you requesting support, can you really say no?? I should have known what I was in for when I found out the reason the support was needed and that a dive bar hosting karaoke Saturday night was involved. Hurt and wounded women in a Cheers type establishment (where everybody knows your name for those too young not to remember the program) are not quite in their best frame of mind always.

I walk into the bar and meet my two girlfriends and am greeted with the words “You have sooo much catching up to do.” As I am a cheap date, catching up does not take much. Two shots and a beer later, I wouldn’t say I was caught up, but I was comfortably close; at least close enough to make a fool of myself singing my favorite karaoke tunes. I will say I had fun. I enjoy girls night out and am always supportive to my friends who have been there for me. Also, I rarely miss an opportunity to make a fool of myself in front of 30-50 drunk folks. No matter how bad you may suck, they always think you are the next American Idol. However, I was inspired by the nights events to write a blog in the near future about awful pick up lines and what NOT to say to a woman in ANY setting. I am thinking you should be looking for something along the lines of You have really nice boobs as a title or maybe my come back of How do you know it isn’t just a really great bra…oh, right, you will NEVER know…

I will address that last either later today or this week sometime…happy blogging all…

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