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Archive for the ‘Relationship Stuff’ Category

Compromise, sometimes that word raises some pretty interesting questions. Is compromise good? Is all compromise good compromise? How much compromise is too much compromise? Is one person compromising more than the other?

Compromise can be a very good thing, in small doses. Compromising isn’t always negative. You may compromise by stopping what you are doing to help another person. You may compromise by not smoking in the car with someone who has asthma or despises cigarette smoke. Neither of these compromises cost you anything or changes who you are at your core. The compromise you make for another should not compromise the soul.

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I know I have been absent a bit; but this week and the following my boss is out-of-town, so I am covering his and my posts and life is about to get a little crazy. I should be back in full swing again in a few weeks. While I am about to compromise much of my time to cover his vacation, I thought I would research and write about compromise a bit. Compromise, whether in a professional or personal relationship, is key to making things work with another person.

What is compromise? Compromise is an act in which two people come to a mutual agreement to find common ground. Normally,  compromise means each side gives up or concedes some of their demands to make a mutual decision that should work best for both parties involved. However, according to Karen Salmansohn, not all compromise is good in a relationship.

Salmansohn shared a bad compromise is that which requires you change yourself in a way that makes you less yourself, but a good compromise requires you change in ways that help you grow into a better you. Good compromises are those that include things like asking the other person to attempt to be better organized and live more neatly, asking someone to take better care of his health, working toward fitness goals together, asking someone to communicate more directly or more clearly, and asking someone to talk less to actively listen more when there are communication issues. Good compromise doesn’t mean it is easy compromise, but that is compromise that will move both parties in a more positive direction or will positively impact the person you are asking to compromise. Compromise is not controlling the other person, but helping them be a better them.

She shared some interesting love advise derived from Aristotle. Aristotle looks at love and relationships in how a person chooses his mate. His claim is that many people are unhappy as their choice of mate is based on utility instead of finding a “relationship of shared virtue“.

What’s the difference you may ask? I know that was my big question. A utility chosen mate is one chosen for something like sex or money. In other words, what you get from this person that is useful makes them a good choice. Whereas, “a relationship of shared virtue” is one where your mate understand what is at your core and is supportive of helping you reach your best you. Aristotle refers to the experience of dealing with a period of pain for change to occur with the knowledge that personal growth is at hand as “the education of the soul“. You only gain this from “a relationship of shared virtue”, which is why you surround yourself with people and an environment that supports you becoming the best you at your core. Basically, you are improving your soul and therefore your happiness with each positive change.

So what does all of this Aristotle philosophy of shared virtue and education of soul have to do with compromise anyway? Practicing good compromises, those made to help you become the best you possible, will seal the deal when it comes to strengthening the soul and becoming the best you. Have you ever been with someone who just made you want to be a better you or the best you possible? Shared virtue means that real love between two people that makes them want to be a better person because they are just inspired by one another. At least, that is my interpretation from what I read.

So, let’s get back to the compromise part of all this. How do you know exactly what is a good and what is a bad compromise? That is the tricky part. Sometimes a compromise seems okay at first and then you realize it was a manipulation instead of a compromise. Other times, you may think the compromise is a manipulation in disguise but later discover it was a good compromise when change for the better came of it.

On of the larger factors in distinguishing what type of compromise you are making is the consideration of self. Are you making a compromise that will actually compromise who you are and your core values, change your authenticity? I am not talking about requiring someone stop doing things that will hurt them, such as drugs or overeating; but of things that require you give up a piece of who you are or things you are passionate about. These are the obey me type of requests one person puts upon another and typically not requests made out of love and want for positive improvement. If the compromise is one of empowerment to the authenticity of the individual, inspirational, and one that motivates the person into becoming a better them, now we are talking about the good stuff.

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Good afternoon fellow bloggers. I am thinking today about relationships. I am not talking about just husbands/wives or boyfriends/girlfriends; but relationships in general. Have you ever really taken the time to think about the relationships you are a part of? How about what those relationships take to stay in tact? I think about these things often. I often think about how people work together toward common goals, relationships being one of those goals.

First, let me start by saying I am a fixer. I do not like anything to have gaps, holes, or issues. When I have an issue in any relationship, I want to fix it immediately. I have had to work at this as this is not always a positive trait. Some people and things need space before fixing is possible. Sometimes, patience is truly a virtue when it comes to arising issues in relationships. Sometimes, the issues require more thought for one or both parties before a fix is even possible.

Sadly, there are times the issues are too great and a fix is not a possible feature for the relationship; but that too, requires time and thought to understand. I am not a person who gives up on anyone quickly or without putting out every effort possible in shifting a damaging situation into something good, but I have had to leave some people behind and realize there was no possible fix. That being said, often I have learned a many lesson from these individuals and the situations we have been through and for that the relationship holds great value, even in closing and moving on.

What I have realized is relationships come in several forms and they all take similar elements to exist. I have friends and family that are in my close inner circle, friends I drink with, family I see only a few times per year, family I see several times per week, work friends, and so many other levels of relationships. Each of these requires communication, give and take, honesty, time, emotional energy of some sort, trust, and commitment. They may not all require each of these elements on a deeper level, but they all require them on some level.

I think what I mean to say is every relationship takes some level of work and devotion to development. If you let that go, the people involved start to grow apart and the relationship slowly dies. I have been there also.

Relationships can change as well. They may not always carry the same dynamic as they once did. Friends become lovers, lovers become friends, acquaintances become best friends, couples become separated parents, and so on. We see and experience this many times in our lives. But, it is the effort we put behind the relationship, or lack there of, that makes the difference.

If you cannot tell, I have been thinking a LOT lately. I think I may be in my philosophical stage right now. Follow my blogs long enough and you will realize I work in stages; sometimes I lean more toward humor and sarcasm, but I often slip into this deep thought stage. Thank goodness I finally have an outlet for it.

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Ask Dr. V: I’m In Love with My Cousin! | Lifescript.com.

I absolutely LOVE this site. Thank you Lifescript for leading me to even more material to write about. I simply could not pass this one up.

So, to give a rundown of the advice columnist article, this is about woman who has fallen in love with her cousin (as if you couldn’t tell by the article name). The first time was 20 years prior to the writing of the request for advice, when they were kids, and the second I am assuming had happened somewhere near March of last year when this was published. The earlier encounter went friendship, relationship, sex, and love. Then, over the writer’s father’s funeral, they realized they still had the same feelings and are lost as what to do as the family would be devastated and would have zero understanding. Umm…duh!

Okay, so these are first cousins. Even if you can give way to young, dumb, and stupid for the first fiasco; even later in life when they should have a grasp on the complete wrongness of this situation, they are still looking to make a go of it. I am all for you can’t help who your heart chooses, but at some point, when it comes to bearing children with higher possibilities of birth defect and possible legal issues depending on what state they live in, the head should probably take over. Thankfully, the expert who responded to the letter gave very sound advice and said stop this before it goes any further.

To be a responsible blogger, I decided to research this topic a bit further and came across a website, Cousin Couples, an obviously pro cousin couple site. There are 26 states in the U.S. that will allow first cousin marriages. All European countries, Canada, and Mexico will allow first cousin marriages. Non-related couples have a 2-3% chance of bearing a child with a birth defect, while first cousin couples are at a 4-6% chance risk. The estimation is at 20% worldwide of first cousin marriages and 80% historically. Both Albert Einstein and Charles Darwin married first cousins. Franklin Roosevelt was married to a cousin, however she was not a first cousin.

The National Conference of State Legislatures (NCSL), has a list of states allowing, not allowing, and allowing under special circumstances. The list is as follows:

Cousin marriage legal

First cousin marriage prohibited

Allowed under certain circumstances

Alabama

Alaska

California

Colorado

Connecticut

District of Columbia

Florida

Georgia

Hawaii

Maryland

Massachusetts

New Jersey

New Mexico

New York

North Carolina*

Rhode Island

South Carolina

Tennessee

Vermont

Virginia

Arkansas

Delaware

Idaho

Iowa

Kansas

Kentucky

Louisiana

Michigan

Minnesota

Mississippi

Missouri

Montana

Nebraska

Nevada

New Hampshire

North Dakota

Ohio

Oklahoma

Oregon

Pennsylvania

South Dakota

Texas

Washington

West Virginia

Wyoming

Arizona

Illinois

Indiana

Maine

Utah

Wisconsin

First cousin marriage is allowed in these states under the following circumstances:

Arizona- if both are 65 or older, or one is unable to reproduce.

Illinois- if both are 50 or older, or one is unable to reproduce.

Indiana- if both are at least 65.

Maine- if couple obtains a physician’s certificate of genetic counseling.

Utah- if both are 65 or older, or if both are 55 or older and one is unable to reproduce.

Wisconsin- if the woman is 55 or older, or one is unable to reproduce.

*

North Carolina- First cousin marriage is legal. Double cousin marriage is prohibited

I looked up double cousin marriage also, because I was unsure what that meant, and basically found it was something like this:

Two sisters marry brothers, one couple gives birth to a boy and the other to a girl. The offspring cannot grow up and get married as they are double cousins.

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7 Types of Men to Avoid | Lifescript.com.

Since we have traveled to Loserville and studied the incredibly creepy this week, I figured we would check out Mr. Wrong today.

The article provided 7 types of men to avoid. These are the heart breakers, ego destroyers and all around bad boys experts say. Alright, ladies and gents, bring on the bad boys.

  • Mr. Perennial Bachelor: How has some woman not snatched up this smart, handsome, polite, successful gem. I mean, he kisses like a a pro, he’s charming, and is really into you. And you may be his Mrs. Right! Ummm…wrong. He has no Mrs. Right. His last serious relationship was ten years ago and every relationship since has been a few months in length or less. When things start getting serious he puts the brakes on and runs in the opposite direction. Can you say commitment-phobe?
  • Mr. Marry-Go-Round:  This is the dude that marries every woman he gets somewhat serious with. He’s been married more times than Liz Taylor and will trade you in within a few years. This man doesn’t realize passion in the relationship takes work and doesn’t naturally last forever. He’s the opposite of Mr. Anti-Commitment and is instead the romantic wonder you have been looking for. Ummm…wrong again! You will be the next Mrs. Ex so and so before you know it. Run, honey, run.
  • Mr. No-Money Bags: I think we all know this one. They typically look for women who are financially well-off, so I have no fear he will come to sweep me off my feet. However, if any of you wonderful readers are well-off, this one will never have his wallet (he’s forgotten it AGAIN) and he will forever be short on cash until payday. Watch for the increasingly larger requests.
  • Mr. Mama’s Boy: I must say, I am the first to love a family man. I am very close with my family, so I adore a man who is close with his. Except this one. This man’s mama still makes pretty much all of his decisions and will ALWAYS be in your business. He will ALWAYS choose his mama over you. You will start noticing how you are always being compared to his mama and how she is always better at whatever today’s comparison might be.
  • Mr. Peter Pan Syndrome: Oh, these are the best! Peter will forever be a party boy. You know this because he knows all bartenders by name and never has to order his drinks. He can handle any spur of the moment fun trip, but anything serious sends him running. He ditches responsibility constantly and you will be stuck dealing with everything.
  • Mr. Egomaniac: He’s somewhat like Mr. Perennial Bachelor, except this one knows he can do absolutely no wrong. The world is his oyster and why shouldn’t it be, it revolves around him. Never point out to him that he may even be 1% wrong about anything. He will flip out! He will cut you down, jokingly of course, because he wants someone accomplished but you, my friend, will never measure up to his success.
  • Mr. Control Freak: Oh my, who hasn’t been exposed to one of these guys. Now,  I must admit, I do like to have control in some situations; but this guy is the ultimate in controlling everything. He likes to choose where you go on dates and who will be coming along; his friends of course. He will instruct you on how you should act, how you should act, and eventually what you should like and dislike. Eventually, you will wake up one day and not have a clue who you are because no part of the original you is left.

Honestly, I originally went to this article to find something to poke at and make fun of; but these are some of the cream of the crop when it comes to loser men. Watch out ladies and keep heed of the warning signs.

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Dating a Loser? 6 Reasons You Can’t Leave Him | Lifescript.com.

Ok, ok. So my next blog was to be about creepy pick-up lines, but I received this in my email last night and just couldn’t help myself. The creepy pick-up lines will still happen, have no fear. However, any time an article gives numbered reasons for anything and allows me to blame half or more of the reasons on my family, I have got to comment further.

  • Reason 1: My family made me do it – Really? Seriously? These were my first thoughts, but I did decide to read further just in case I missed something. So we all know that our upbringing can mold how we handle life in adulthood; but can I really blame my loving yet dysfunctional family for EVERYTHING? The experts say yes I can! Yippee!
  • Reason 2: I won’t find anyone better – So this reason tells me I need a self-esteem boost, then goes on to refer back to reason 1. Again, my dysfunctional family dynamic is to blame for finding men that play head games, forget your birthday and holidays, and treat me like I am the last important thing on earth according to the article. Seriously, studies prove this to be true and accurate according to experts. I have a feeling my mother would argue with most of these reasons.
  • Reason 3: I don’t want to be alone – Again, refer to reason 1 as my dysfunctional family screwed me again! I was led to believe I needed a man to take care of me to get through life so I will take anything I can get and stick with it. I am thinking by this point that I am glad I do not own several cats as my family has damned me to a destiny of being the lonely cat lady as my only alternative. Thanks mom and dad!
  • Reason 4: He’ll Change – Haha…need I even comment here?!?
  • Reason 5: He needs me – Basically, the theory here, according to the experts, is we women need to be needed. Again, even though not flat-out stated in this section, it is the family’s fault. Our learned values include not being selfish and to give without worry about receiving in return. So, our positive values are causing us to be dysfunctional. Great, just great!
  • Reason 6: The sex is phenomenal – Ummm…I haven’t added a rating to my blog, so I am just going to leave this one alone and go with the scientific explanation given by experts. However, this one I cannot argue. So the thing about sex, the experts say, is a hormonal surge of oxytocin that blows the brain and bonds partners. They actually refer to it as emotional super-glue. I think this is the experts way of saying stop hooking up and start getting to know potential partners first. Nowadays, that does not seem to be the popular opinion among folks, which we will revisit when I finish up my blog on creepy pick-up lines.

So, without going through the rest of the article (follow the link if you think you are plagued by finding those that originate in Loserville), I will end saying the moral of the story is to blame everything on your dysfunctional family except for sex. If your interested, the rest of the article tells you how to fix your loser affliction and even ends with a quiz link so you can find out if you are really into him or not. I read it for kicks because it related well to the creepy pick-up lines because creeps and losers, for me, originate from the same location.

As a side note, I personally do not believe I have only dated losers or that I am doomed because my family is slightly dysfunctional. I had a great upbringing, but have hit Loserville a few times along the way. I called my issues young, dumb, and stupid.

Anyone have any thoughts?? Oh, and feel free to feed me creepy pick-up moves to use toward my creepers blog.

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